Fri, 12 Feb 1999 13:22:09 +0100
- Message No. 4987
From: Michael Selg
Subject: OT: Diary of a Snow Shoveler
A bit off-topic but it describes the situation in southern Germany,
Austria and Switzerland quite well :-)
>
> Diary of a Snow Shoveler:
>
> December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
> and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window
> watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a
> Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love
> snow!
>
> December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
> covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there
> be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best
> idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
> boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the
> snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
> driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
>
> December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
> disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have
> a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
> have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
> again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad
> he's our neighbor.
>
> December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to
> - -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
> but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway And sidewalks. This is the
> life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.
> l didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
> shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l
> wouldn't huff and puff so.
>
> December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
> Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
> freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
> think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
>
> December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
> driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
> hour, which I think was very cruel.
>
> December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
> Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
> warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
> Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
> hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my
> own living room.
>
> December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
> stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by
> twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too
> busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
>
> December 21: Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a
> snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I
> think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it
> done and bill me. I think he's lying.
>
> December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
> inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't
> melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
> shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and
> dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a
> plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy.
> I think the asshole is lying.
>
> December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
> wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she
> nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did
> but I think she's lying.
>
> December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
> Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch
> who drives that snowplow, I'll drag
> him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and
> waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a
> 100 miles an hour and throws
> snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
> Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching
> for the goddamn snowplow.
>
> December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the f***ing slop
> tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
> hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
> and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
> attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful
> Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
>
> December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was
> all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
>
> December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
>
> December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE B***CH is
> driving me crazy!!!!!
>
> December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
> could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
> think I am?
>
> December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
> million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches of
> snow predicted.
> December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
>
> January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
> keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
>
--
Michi Selg München,Bayern
rrr#750 atic#206 KotAiML
XRV750 RD04 84Mm
www@atic.org